Feeling Alone
I've hit a low point tonight. I've gone through a wide range of emotions that I don't normally go through. I guess it's okay and everyone deals with it, but I'm feeling more and more isolated these days.
I don't think it's just one thing. Mainly it's family pressures. On one side I have Judy and Gaylord who've made it clear that I'm cramping their style. Considering this is Judy's house and I'm going on five years here, I can see where she's coming from. Problem is, instead of just coming out and saying 'you know what 5 is enough, times up' Judy's becoming increasingly less friendly with me. She nitpicks constantly and I get really tired of her comparing me to a certain other family member. It's not fair to either of us. Growing up my grandmother also compared me to said family member and I grew up resenting said member. I love that person now and wish I'd been able to grow up more with them, but it's very hard to deal with it. It's just not fair.
Then Grandma Reitter's got this whole idea of I need to just tough it out somehow and finish school. Yes, in a perfect world I'd already be done. And yes, in a perfect world I'd be finished this spring, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I suck as a student. It's just not my thing. And so I'm disappointing everyone with the crappy life I lead.
Top if off, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend. And Grandma blames my dad. Okay, yes, daddy wouldn't let me date in middle school, and up until 16 I couldn't wear make up and blah blah blah. Not that I was even interested, or that the boys were interested in me. I'm thankful that my dad was protective of me in that way, and it came in handy senior year of high school when the one guy that was interested in me wouldn't take no for an answer. (said guy is now getting married from what I hear. Better her than me)
Yeah, I'll be 24 in January and I've never been on a date much less had a relationship. Does that make me a loser? According to Grandma heck yes. I guess in someways I agree. I mean I do feel I missed out in some ways, and I wouldn't probably have the same rules that dad and mom had. I don't know. I do get tired of Judy and Grandma both saying that I can't let dad tell me who to love - that's not what he's doing. I think he's well qualified to have an opinion. I value his opinion above all other men in my life. That's Biblical, but more than that he's the one man who's never truly let me down. Yeah, we have our parent child moments, but at the end of the day he's the one I can always go to.
If the guy doesn't measure up to dad's standards, ain't no way he'll meet mine.
So, yeah, the bar is set uber high, so it's going to take time. Louisa got lucky going against her dad, but her dad isn't exactly the best role model anyway.
Do I want someone - you bet. Am I going to get that happily ever after? I don't know. I hope so.
I wish I could feel confident in myself and my abilities. I wish I could be the person that I become online. Here I'm able to speak my mind, I can accomplish things; I am articulate, creative, intelligent (at least I feel I am)... in the real world I might as well not even exist. What's the point? I just don't fit anywhere. People my age don't get me, and I don't get them, I don't fit in with my friends who have gone and gotten married and moved on. I've not gotten into a career or been a success at school.
I just exist and take up space. And I don't know why.
I wish I could just wave a wand and feel better about this. I don't even get why I'm feeling this way.
I just... I don't know.
depressedI don't think it's just one thing. Mainly it's family pressures. On one side I have Judy and Gaylord who've made it clear that I'm cramping their style. Considering this is Judy's house and I'm going on five years here, I can see where she's coming from. Problem is, instead of just coming out and saying 'you know what 5 is enough, times up' Judy's becoming increasingly less friendly with me. She nitpicks constantly and I get really tired of her comparing me to a certain other family member. It's not fair to either of us. Growing up my grandmother also compared me to said family member and I grew up resenting said member. I love that person now and wish I'd been able to grow up more with them, but it's very hard to deal with it. It's just not fair.
Then Grandma Reitter's got this whole idea of I need to just tough it out somehow and finish school. Yes, in a perfect world I'd already be done. And yes, in a perfect world I'd be finished this spring, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I suck as a student. It's just not my thing. And so I'm disappointing everyone with the crappy life I lead.
Top if off, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend. And Grandma blames my dad. Okay, yes, daddy wouldn't let me date in middle school, and up until 16 I couldn't wear make up and blah blah blah. Not that I was even interested, or that the boys were interested in me. I'm thankful that my dad was protective of me in that way, and it came in handy senior year of high school when the one guy that was interested in me wouldn't take no for an answer. (said guy is now getting married from what I hear. Better her than me)
Yeah, I'll be 24 in January and I've never been on a date much less had a relationship. Does that make me a loser? According to Grandma heck yes. I guess in someways I agree. I mean I do feel I missed out in some ways, and I wouldn't probably have the same rules that dad and mom had. I don't know. I do get tired of Judy and Grandma both saying that I can't let dad tell me who to love - that's not what he's doing. I think he's well qualified to have an opinion. I value his opinion above all other men in my life. That's Biblical, but more than that he's the one man who's never truly let me down. Yeah, we have our parent child moments, but at the end of the day he's the one I can always go to.
If the guy doesn't measure up to dad's standards, ain't no way he'll meet mine.
So, yeah, the bar is set uber high, so it's going to take time. Louisa got lucky going against her dad, but her dad isn't exactly the best role model anyway.
Do I want someone - you bet. Am I going to get that happily ever after? I don't know. I hope so.
I wish I could feel confident in myself and my abilities. I wish I could be the person that I become online. Here I'm able to speak my mind, I can accomplish things; I am articulate, creative, intelligent (at least I feel I am)... in the real world I might as well not even exist. What's the point? I just don't fit anywhere. People my age don't get me, and I don't get them, I don't fit in with my friends who have gone and gotten married and moved on. I've not gotten into a career or been a success at school.
I just exist and take up space. And I don't know why.
I wish I could just wave a wand and feel better about this. I don't even get why I'm feeling this way.
I just... I don't know.
