Let's Celebrate, It's All Right!

Kenai Pros:
I'd be closer to mom and dad as I'd be living back at home.
I'd be living at home so I can save money to move out at some point.
My Photography clientele is much higher down there.
It's easier to get around on a bike or walking.
I have friends there, I think.


Kenai Cons:
I'd be back living at home.
Less privacy than what I have in Anchorage.
It's more expensive down in Kenai, and less stuff is available.
I'd be giving up my ministry at ABT - which puts Pastor Bruce in a bind.
Probably won't have a vehicle of my own.
If I do have a vehicle that's an added expense.
Friends are there, but we've lost touch and I doubt that will change.



more later.

First off thank you, Heather and Betsy (hee hee, your real name!), for your encouragement and prayers, not just today but always. I truly treasure our friendship (I treasure all of my friends - don't feel left out). I thank God for sisters in Christ like you.

This morning was difficult. I didn't do well this morning school wise much less mentally. I got in the truck, turned onto Muldoon on the way to the school and lost it. All I could think of what how I was letting everyone down if I didn't finish school. I'm the only grandchild my g'parents have (so far) that has even attempted college, and they have very high hopes for me. It's one of many pressures that has kept me going and at the same time it's driven me crazy because I don't want to let them down.

Then thinking of my parents and how I want to make them proud and how much money and energy they've spent on my school career and how I'm throwing it all away... blah! I just let Satan have his way with my thoughts for the morning and it will be relfected in my grades. If I ail this test in Anthro there's no way I can fix it to get a passing grade for the end of the semester. Thank God I have a week left before I can no longer withdraw.

Then this afternoon I helped Judy put the Halloween stuff away and get the fall/Thanksgiving stuff up. She's okay with me staying here if I want to and working to be able to afford my own place.

Dad called a couple hours ago and we chatted for an hour and a half. I cried a couple of times, it was just what I needed to hear. This morning as I was crying I started screaming out to God saying "I just need to hear someone tell me that it's OKAY" and not just the words, I needed to KNOW. And dad said that and more.

We did more laughing than serious talking. I just don't know. I told dad I'm so frustrated with God because it seems He doesn't want to tell me what I need to do, just what I don't need to do. Dad didn't have an answer, but he said that I needed to look at all the options that might be available. Dad also told me that I am not a loser or a failure, and that I'm his daughter and he doesn't care what I do so long as it's in God's plan. Which was incredibly comforting, but at the same time made me cry. To know dad is proud even when I feel like the lowest sort of person, it really helps.

Dad said he's worried about me (my emails haven't been all that happy to them), and that he wants me to just take it a day at a time. I think mom and dad want me home. But like I said in here earlier, and told dad tonight, I don't know just yet if that's what God wants or what I would see as easiest (or if that's what I'm doing by staying here). I have a couple of months before I seriously need to decide, but it's something that I need to keep looking into.

*sigh* I'm drained again before I finished my thoughts. It's 10pm and I didn't sleep well last night (maybe six hours of sleep).


Night, all!

Last night I started breaking down while studying. I've never hyperventalated while reading an Anthro book before. I litterally just got sick, and there was no reason why other than I've been having some incredibly negative thoughts about life, school, everything.

I had a sort of revelation yesterday driving home from church - the only time I feel fullfilled, and joyful, and happy with myself is when I am working with the girls. Yeah, they drive me nuts, but that's the only time that I feel like I'm in the *right place*.

It's really not a surprise since it is the only time I'm around fellow believers and I can truly feel God's spirit moving. But that goes to show that I need to get out of here soon.

I talked with Pastor Bruce yesterday morning letting him know of my current living situation and that I wanted him to be aware even if that changed my 'status' as a teacher. He said that since I did not condone their living together and that I knew, understood, and agreed with God's ruling on the subject that he saw no harm in it, but that he felt that I needed to try and find a way to get out. I told him I knew that I needed out, but that it looked like the only way out meant going back to Kenai since I wouldn't be able to afford an apartment that was in a good part of town, and that took dogs. He said he really didn't want to lose me, but that I had to do what was best for me... and what was with God's plan.

And that's just it. I have no clue what God wants. I like the idea of home and I don't. I like the idea of staying here and I don't. I don't want to leave ABT, but other than my little class of girls and the other sunday school teachers I am not that connected. That's my own choice, I just don't warm up to people easily. I do have a few friends from my sunday school class, but I just see them on Sundays.

But at home, I won't be much better off. I'm closer to the 'adults' at FBCK than the one or two people my age that still attend. Though that might change, if I go back. I know that area better, and I know there are people that want me to come back so I can do photos, but I don't have the equipment I want/need.

Anyway, I decided I needed a break, now it's just figuring out what I'm going to do. Either way I'm getting a job once I get back from Disney. Not a seasonal one (which probably means Wildride is out next summer.) I need to be able to afford my own place at some point. And I need to get a vehicle. Not sure what Judy wants for the truck, but I'm not sure I want the truck anyway.


Please just keep me in prayer. I'll update more later but I have to get going to class.

Sometimes my work experience from Sears Portraits come in handy. This weekend proved that.

I'm actually VERY pleased with the photos I was able to do on Saturday and this afternoon. Are they perfect, no. I doubt any photographer comes away feeling they did everything exactly right, but that being said I love how these first few turned out!

We'll see if I can handle it when mom has my stuff booked for next weekend. We're cramming in everyone we can because the snow has come early to South Central Alaska and I can't risk driving back and forth much more than next week. Which is kind of a bummer, but at the same time I want a weekend to myself ha ha!

I think that I will be moving to Kenai either January of next year or May. I really hate doing it and yet I don't. On one hand, that means I won't get to work even part time at wildride... but I can't live up here on my own and we all know I've worn out my welcome.

I am not completely sure living at home in KEnai is going to be much better, though. Dad is in a funk of massive proportions and that was wearing me thin in the three days (two if you look at the hours actually spent there) and I can't go back into that sort of thing. Seriously it never stops!

But either way if I don't mooch off of someone I can't take my dog into an apartment, and even if I didn't have a dog it'd still run me 900 a month without utilities! BLAH!

So prayer in that area would be greatly appreciated. I've gotta get this photo business off the ground.

I will have some photos up soon! :)

...I can hardly believe we're at the closing of Summer. Three weeks left until work is over, two till school starts, and what do I have to show for it? An uneven sunburn, and a lot of good work memories.

It still feels like I was anticipating when work would start. Waiting for that first phone call where Jake or Dallas would be all in a panic because they needed me RIGHT NOW (which I did get in May lol gotta love Jake and Dallas waiting until the last minute!). I was anticipating the frustration of working with them, and anticipating hanging out with the crew.

I could lie and say it was an easy summer, but with all of the rain and the added stresses of things going badly, I can't. There were times when I wanted to throttle one person or the other, and then there were times I just wanted to curl up and hide from the world, but all in all I've loved my second year at Wildride.

I'm not sure what the future holds as far as working, I know I am still going to get my business license and start working as a photog in earnest. I really feel like that is my calling and it works well with my school schedule. I'm taking a full load for the first time in a long time at college, and I have a good feeling on how I will do. I've got the pressure to do well, which I know will kill me later in the semester, but I feel ready. Of course, we'll see if I still feel like that when school starts and I see what is going to be required of me, right?

Talking with Becky and David the last few weeks, I've pretty much decided that if I return to work for the Seavey's next year, it will be part time. It's time I become the pinch hitter for the show. It's not that I don't love the job, I do, it's just that I want the freedom to travel down to see the family once in a while, or just have a day to myself. I haven't been to Seward in over two years, I haven't really had a chance to go fishing (I refuse to do it by myself down at ship creek), and I am always worried that I'll get called into work. So everyone else gets to enjoy my state, but I'm stuck in Anchorage.

I also want to concentrate on photography, and I can't do that if I am working 5+ days a week. I had a couple of photo shoots this summer right after working all day and I just wasn't at my best. My brain shuts down after 8+ hours outside. LOL.

My tune could change around March or April when we see if I even have a job in photography. I might have to dive in for a full time Wildride position. I hate to think about what they will do next year, though, considering Becky and David are both planning to not return full time (if at all) and who knows if Hannah will be back. I don't want to abandon them fully, I really want to see them to continue to succeed. So I might blackmail myself into working. Who knows.

I do know that this month will probably either make or break my love for the job. No breaks from the guys is going to be tough lol. Dallas has been pretty good about giving me breaks in the schedule, but I do need the hours and funds that they bring, but at the same time... whew! At least I've kept my humor for the most part. I love that I get to work and laugh every day.

Like Thursday, during the four pm show a thunder and hail shower happened right in the middle of the show. I jumped into my sound booth and closed the door trying to protect myself (the hail was decent size) and then the wind picked up and blew it in through the window of the booth! I couldn't win! Watching Jen and Dallas and Jake drown out there in the arena was great too. I mean one minute it's bright sun and the next it's dark, rainy and hailing! Jake even made a comment like "Is it raining out? I can't tell" which cracked the audience and the cast up. It was GREAT!

So I don't know. I just thank God that I was blessed with this job last year when I had such a crappy experience with Sears. Yes, Wildride has its moments and I sometimes wish we were more organized, but at the end of the day I much prefer the honesty and the friendship that I get there to the backstabbing and the lying of a corporate group. It feels like home... like family... and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it.

So that's basically life. Erin and I have 156 days until we're down in Florida, which I cannot wait for. We have all of it booked, and paid for (well, I will as soon as October rolls around), and all of the sit down meals are reserved. So now it's just waiting for it to happen. And it's killing me!

Erin is counting down to the double digit countdown. Yes, we are sad. We know, and we don't care.

Other thing I'm looking forward to is the PFD in October. Palin got her wish and we're getting the $1200 energy check, as well as a nice bit of cash from the oil revenue (2000 something!), so it's gonna be a good fall. I hope.

Oh, and is it sad that I've already started Christmas shopping? I have my grandparents' gift already bought and put away. I had to! The place that I got it from closes Sept 1! hee hee.

Alrighty, this thing is getting long, and I have to start getting ready for work (I go in at 11:30 to be at work by Noon). So I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Talking with my aunt on the phone BRIEFLY last night revealed that this guy she went to grammar school with way back when (that she recently found on classmates.com) is "in love with" her. I suspected as much as these last 10 days have been filled with cards and packages in the mailbox. It's quite annoying, he keeps forgetting she isn't in AK at the moment so he's calling at all times of day - normally late at night.

I originally thought he was married, but apparently he's in the process of divorcing (go figure). He's planning on moving up to Alaska soon... which means I may be homeless pretty soon. Kinda feeling put off at the thought that I'm so easily expendable... but oh well.

If worse comes to worse I can always move down to Kenai for a while, really work on my photography and go from there. I know that Kenai is somewhat of a death sentence for those of us with dreams, but who knows. God might want me back down there. I dunno.

I'll miss hanging with Judy and having a bit more freedom (and a vehicle) but I guess I've mooched long enough, eh?